Roll The Bones

I dont' know how old I was when I started rocking myself to sleep ... maybe rolling is a better term ... to simulate this ... lay down on you bed ... if you are right handed you will roll to your left .. and vice versa .. roll over on your less dominat side, arm staright down beside you ... crook the right arm so your hand or fist is under your chin and now roll to your dominant side so you are on your side and then roll back ... keep doing this until you fall asleep. 

I couldn't just lay there and go to sleep ... I needed to do this ... and it became quite humorous for family and family friends ... but when I did understand what I was doing .. it became not just a habit and a pattern but something I needed to do because I was afraid to go sleep ... so why would a young kid be afraid to go sleep ... let me give you a few reasons ... 

1) the evening prayer ... 'now I lay me down to sleep .. I pray the lord my soul to keep .. if I should die before I wake .. I pray the lord my soul to take' ... if you don't go to sleep .. you're going to be ok ...

2) the nursery rhyme ... 'rock-a-bye baby on the tree top ... when the wind blows the cradle will rock .. when the bough breaks the cradle will fall .. down will come baby .. cradle and all' ... same thing ...

3) a friend of my father's started taking his son and myself to Disney animated movies ... Bambi is orphaned .. Snow White is in a coma ... Pinocchio is terrorized throughout the movie ... the same treatment for Dumbo ... but the kicker was Hansel and Gretel ... I don't know which version I saw but I was basically traumatized for a long time ... am I am being serious here ... at night ... going to sleep .. I was afraid ... 

The real issue here though is that this rocking was a clue that something wasn't quite right with me ... but this was the mid 1950s ... it was just humorous behaviour ... he would grow out of it ... well I did but I am sure I still did it in early teens ... in this day and age ... given this behaviour pattern combined with a couple of other issues we will get to tomorrow .. I would have been observed, tested and found to be on 'the spectrum' ... and a number of things that constantly puzzled me about my own behaviour and world view would have been answered .. but ... it would take the birth of my grandson and his development to finally allow me to put together that puzzle that was 'me' ... 

We are all on this spectrum .. some of us ... just barely ... others unfortunately ... deeply on it to the point of being non-verbal and not self aware ... the spectrum encompasses everything from Tourettes .. to bi-polar disorders ... schizophrenia ... various psychoses ... etc. ... it is what we are ... and the sooner we understand this and we treat our own mental health just as importantly as our own physical health .. then we and those around us .. . will have a more peaceful go of it in the time we have in our trips around the sun ...

I still have problems going to sleep .. I resist it still ... and laying there ... I fight the same demons every night that I have my whole life ... and it's always a draw ... but one night .. hopefully down the road a while yet ... they will win ... but I want you to know ... like Don Quixote ... I fought the good fight ... 

Phil (14 December 2020, San Patricio de Melaque, 7:46 PM)

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