Coda

If you examine the timeline of this blog ... I basically was boarding away from home in the fall of 1969 .. with no prep for anything outside the home .. dealing with a number of issues that only in the last decade have I come to even barely understand ... and then it gradually accelerates to marriage 7 years later ... it is hard to comprehend and hard for me to believe looking back on it ... 

Knowing what I know now .. I would have sought counseling in June/July 1974 .. instead I was starting a new job and a new life ... so take all my issues ... add to it a serious break-up .. a new job .. away from school and home .. not knowing anybody ... it was a recipe for fucking disaster .. but I was saved by Bill Jaques ... 

Bill loved to laugh .. and act a fool .. but he was a brilliant mechanical engineer ... and meeting him and having him accept me as a friend .. saved my life .. I am not the suicidal type ... but death by misadventure was well within reach based on my behaviour at this point in my life ... Bill's friendship gave me an ear to bend and someone I could just hang with  ... he was the friend that I needed at the exact moment I needed one ... we both loved music .. he was a big fan fan of Bachman Turner Overdrive and Bad Company ... and we listened to them non-stop ... he always was up for a evening out or a party .. and I needed that .. I was on my own .. the less time I spent inside my head the better ... 

It was through Bill that I became close to Yvonne ... Yvonne and I were great friends before I asked her out ... and we became better friends after that ... but it was Bill and RC and our escapades that drew Yvonne in .. and allowed me to get to know her ... she is still my best friend ... it tears me down that Bill is no longer here .. Alzheimer's having taken him too early ... I shudder to think about what may have happened to me if I didn't meet Bill ... or Yvonne ..  I don't think I would be writing this blog ... 

About 2 1/2 years ago now ... my old college friend and I went up country to visit another old college friend .. this was when my mother was transitioning from her home to a smaller apartment ... and the demons I had boxed up had been finally let loose after spending 6 months with her ... we got into a conversation about life .. and shit happening .. and trying to deal with it ... and then he said something I will never forget the spirit of.. I can't quote him verbatim but I can paraphrase ... 

He had gone through a divorce from his wife of 40 years ... and remarried ... and he commented that he was the happiest he had ever been in his life .. and then he offered up this ... he said looking back ... all the crap .. all the good stuff .. all the shit .. all the high points ... had brought him to this point ... if he could change anything in the past .. he might not end up in his present happy space ... his point being that if he had to do it all over again he would .. to get to the present moment ... 

It was like a light bulb turned on in my mind for me ... and it was around that time that I realized that I needed to do something to get rid of the shit I had been carrying around for years ... as well as pursue some testing and get a diagnosis for whatever my issues are ... and so it has taken a while but this blog has been part of that process ...

If I could go back in time and change anything I now realize that I would not .. because I would need to get to Yvonne .. who in very real terms .. along with Bill ... saved my life .. by saving me from myself ... happiness is only a choice if you box all this crap up like I did and try to carry on as if it doesn't make any difference or pretending it never happened ... so I chose to be 'happy' .. but that choice has it's consequences ... 

My mother has taken a heavy hit here for some things .. but to be accurate .. it could also read .. I will never forgive myself ... in those passages ... after all .. the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree .. I am sure that I have repeated the sins of my mother and father with Yvonne and our two daughters ... because I didn't recognize that my mother and I have the same issue ... like I said before in this blog series .. apologies and 'sorry' won't cut it here ... I should have done something about it long ago ... 

As soon as I return home I will seek both professional medical help to diagnose what it is that I have .. and I will seek psychological counseling to put these demons to rest ... 

Just before I left for Mexico I was listening to a song on the computer in my music room .. actually it was a lesson on how to play it .. in the comment section someone had written that it was his daughter's favorite song .. and she had cancer .. and was thankful for the lesson ... the lesson's author sent the tab to the commenter free he was so touched by the comment ... I called Yvonne in to listen to the song .. and I read the comment .. well I tried .. I broke down sobbing ... and I mean I lost it ... 

Yvonne of course .. didn't know what the hell was going on ... she thought I was having a nervous breakdown right there ... and maybe in some way I did .. I told her I would get counseling ... that I couldn't do it without her there as I would discussing things that I had never divulged before ... what I had a hard time articulating that night .. what I was trying to say ... was that this lyric from the song ... 

I have never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I've broken

But I swear in the days still left

We'll walk in fields of gold

... meant that I still have the time to repair myself .. and that we then be able to enjoy the time we have left together .. without all the issues I have carried for so long ...

Obviously this blog is all the things I have never divulged before ... up until the point that Yvonne enters the story of course ... 

The lyrics are taken from the song .. 'Fields of Gold' by Sting .. the definitive version is by Eva Cassidy .. imho .. who died way too soon from cancer ... I am going to leave you with Eva's version of this song ... I sincerely hope it brings a tear to your eye .. as often it does mine ... which is every time I listen to it ... 

I dedicate this song to Yvonne, my daughters, Yvonne's family and my sister and her family ...  and to all my friends who are not family .. but .. in a real sense though ... you are  .. you all have qualities that I both admire and lack ... in your own way ... you have performed the same function as my friend Bill .. you have constantly and continually saved me from myself ... I love each and every one of you ... more than you .. and sometimes I .. even know ... 

Phil (23 January 2021 - San Patricio de Melaque - 8:26 AM)

Krome Koan - 'Like a bolt out of the blue .. fate steps in and sees you through'