I'll Pass

I attended Beaconsfield School in West Saint John from the fall of 1956 until June 1965 .. if we had lived on the other side of the street .. putting us in the 'west side' proper .. I would have attended New Albert School .. a closer walk and  .. I would not have to walk by the Catholic School.

It was about a 20 minute walk .. the last third being all up the hill of fundy heights .. the highest point in that area of Saint John and the location of Martello Tower ... which overlooks the complete Saint John Harbour.

I was a shy kid ... I was scared of anybody that represented an authority figure .. and at 6 years old that is just about everybody. I remember my mother taking me to the school and going inside this large old building ... and then being left there ... was this my new home?

I remember the desk I had ... it had a rotten apple in it wrapped in kleenex I think. I just assumed it was supposed to be there .. and it would stay there until my mother came to school for a parent teacher meeting halfway through the fall term ... and removed it .. I can still see her doing that ...

I assume I had a book bag .. not sure if I went home for lunch ... but I must have for a while .. I am not even sure if I walked home that first day ... I just don't remember.

I do remember however one particular day ... I assume it was first year ... I was walking along Chapel Street .. on my way to school ... and there was a girl ahead of me .. probably in Grade 6 or 7 at the school .. and she stopped walking ... either looking for something or adjusting something ... so I stopped walking ... I was too shy to pass her .. we were about 25 feet apart ... she kept doing what she was doing .. glanced up once or twice at me .. then finally raised her voice to me ... 'you're afraid to pass me, aren't you?' ..

I have no recollection of what happened next .. I might have turned around and walked home ... I might just looked away .. I sure as hell would not have said anything to her .. I never forgot her challenging me on my shyness ... this shyness would get much worse in my teens .. a harbinger of things to come.

I didn't know it then ... but I was walking through the world basically in my own head ... whatever went on 'out there' ... I just had to accept and adapt to it ... whatever I could not accept and adapt to .. I had to avoid ... and 'find a happy place' ... it's hard for me to look at pictures of myself from this time period ... every picture looks like a cry for help ... and I want to jump into a time machine and help myself back then ... but time's arrow only moves forward ... but ... every once in a while .. I reach out to that kid in a dream ... and let him know ... it's going to be a bitch getting to your 50s .. but you are going to have help ... and ... after that ... you're going to be OK ... 


Phil (15 December 2020 - San Patricio de Melaque - 7:21 PM)


Krome Koan - 'Where are we going? .. and why are we in this handbasket?'




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