Interlude

I just need to take an aside here to talk about these last series of blog posts on BD ... writing them has not been easy ... in fact it has taken 47 years ... the precipitating events were spending 4 months with my mother 2 years ago and having every demon I had locked up ... finally and suddenly unleashed ... and then subsequently reading Lori Gottlieb's great book .. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone ... but it has still be an act of bravery on my part to do this ... 

You see when BD left .. and let me state for the record it was the ultimate act of self-preservation on her part .. when she left ... I hung on to something .. and that was all the pain and anguish I experienced between February to July 1974 ... so when I realized she was truly gone forever ... I boxed it all up and put it away somewhere in my head ... instead of seeking professional help ... I kept that part of 'us' .. and it has caused me many problems over the years ... let me give you one example ..

I have recurring dreams of BD .. I assume they are caused by 'leakage' from the boxed up anguish I carry around ... in the dreams she is ... just there .. like she always was ... and I am trying to hide her from my mother ... sometimes we are in my mother's house ... sometimes we are in her mother's apartment ... but it's like the movie Sixth Sense ... she's there .. but I am not ... we seemingly talk and laugh and hold each other but it is not me she is talking to .. laughing with .. and holding on to ... then there is a jump cut .. and I am now farther back watching the same scene except I can clearly see she is with someone else and there are small children ...

After one of these dreams ... depending on how deep the dream was in terms of content .. I could be in a funk for a day ... for a week .. I never knew how long the funks would last ... but they clearly impacted home and work ... and of course the solution has always been to get rid of that shit I have been carrying around for so long ... but I have come to realize that I was probably purposefully hanging on to it .. it was a connection to something I had never let go ... another sign that I needed help ...

BD deserved better from my mother .. and from me ... hell .. we both deserved better from my mother ... but it brings me to my knees to know that I may have hurt her because of the part of me that is probably the same as my mother ... 

Thanks to her .. I learned more about empathy, love, trust, humility, kindness, patience and diligence than any lessons I learned from my patents .. and regarding my mother's criticism of her breeding or pedigree or background or whatever fucking label she needed to put on it ... BD had more class in her little finger than my mother and some of her clan combined (I brought this up with my namesake uncle once .. he laughed out loud and said .. 'shoot ... there's a lot of white trash carrying our name') ...

I have never forgiven my mother or myself for any of this ... I may forgive myself ... but never my mother .. there are special places in hell for those who pass that kind of judgement ... and cause that kind of pain and anguish ,,,

I don't know if BD will ever see this blog .. but if she does ... I want to say to her directly ... I want you to know that there will always be a 24 year old boy in me that will always love the 22 year old young woman in you ... nothing will ever change that ... you deserve all the peace and happiness this life has to offer ... you made the right choice so many years ago ...

Now .. there is an 11 PM saviour at my motel room door ...

Phil (11 January 2021 - San Patricio de Melaque - 7:49 PM)

Krome Koan - 'Sarcasm: now served all day'