Photo: Graphic Memory

I really do not have much memory of the period between when BD basically disappeared in February 1974 and the end of the university term; mid April 1974. I completed the thesis project; I managed to do actually quite well in the exams with no memory of how the hell I studied for them ... and I did secure an interview with Canada's nuclear agency and eventually secured a job ... I don't remember any details at all ...

All this while basically operating in some kind of PTSD haze ... I remember some kind of party or get together at the at a restaurant to celebrate my graduation ... it's the vaguest of memories ... maybe late April or early May ... my mother at some point gave me $1,000 to go to Europe ... the timing on this is very hazy .. it wasn't at graduation but a bit earlier ... before the breakup ... I think it caused an issue with BD because I was talking about going to Europe with this money with some friends and and of course she thought she was being excluded ... I just kept digging the hole deeper ... another straw being thrown on the camel's back ... 

I never did go to Europe but I used the money and the security of the job offer to buy a car  .. a Buick Skylark ... a Buick of course because Buicks were my uncle's rides ... I drove back and forth to the job location .. 6 1/2 hours each way ... a few times to find an apartment ... but the real reason I was back and forth so much was I was still trying to reestablish contact with BD and hopefully put the whole thing back together ... again things are hazy here ... I remember painting our house .. I had to do it twice as I was painting over oiled shingles ... I hated it ... I was miserable and I fucking hated it .. to this day I cannot stand painting because of this ... 

I remember the last time I saw BD ... I must have phoned and somehow managed to get through to her and I must have said that I'm leaving town to start a new job and and this will be the last time we will ever have a chance to talk ... she must have agreed to meet me because I remember driving up to this promontory overlooking the harbor and her driving up there to meet me ... she got in my car and you know I have no memory of how the conversation went ... but I had my camera ... and I took a picture of her ... I still have it somewhere ... I don't have to look at .. I'll never forget it ... 

Just before I took the picture I started the car up and pretended I was simply going to drive it off the promontory I even gave it a bit of acceleration and hit the brakes ... in the picture she looks like a frightened animal .. someone that's been held captive for months ... Stockholm syndrome comes to mind ... it is a shocking and horrifying photograph ... symbolic of how my obsession with losing here had poisoned everything ... I have no memory of her getting out of the car or either one of us driving away ... 

So I head out and in the first week of July 1974 ... I start my first post university job in the worst psychological state of my life .. basically having regressed to the shape I was in  .. in 1969 - 1970 ... without knowing I need help ... major medical help with regard to my mental state .. but I knew nothing about that and I had now retreated back into my own head ... another condition I knew nothing about.

Neil Young's, After The Gold Rush .. had taken on new meaning ... especially the song .. I Believe In You ... 

...now that you found yourself losing your mind ... are you here .. again? .. finding that what you once thought was real .. is gone .. and changing? .. now that you made yourself love me .. do you think I can change that in a day .. how can I place you above me? ... 

Too real .. way too real .. I would play it on my guitar and sit there in stunned silence in my motel room ... no tears .. no primal scream .. just nothing ... but then one night ... at 11 PM .. a knock on my door and into this nothingness ... a saviour arrives ...


Phil - (10 January 2021 - San Patricio de Melaque - 8:06 PM)


Krome Koan - 'I may be crazy but at least I have each other'




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